


We All Scream (For Ice Cream)

by sanidine



Series: Prompts & Kinkmeme Fills [4]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Body Horror, Brainwashing, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Explosions, Eye Trauma, Gen, HYDRA Trash Party, Horror, Hydra (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Gore, Mutilation, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Mutilation, Torture, healing factor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-16
Updated: 2015-02-16
Packaged: 2018-03-13 07:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3372725
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanidine/pseuds/sanidine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Asset desperately does not want to do the thing that Commander Rumlow wants him to do, even though the Asset knows he should not want anything. But the Asset cannot disobey a direct order.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We All Scream (For Ice Cream)

**Author's Note:**

> Written for this prompt on the HYDRA Trash Meme: http://hydratrashmeme.dreamwidth.org/1504.html?thread=1774048#cmt1774048 Probably check that out if you want to know what you're getting in to.

The Asset had been standing at attention for three hours and forty seven minutes.

Other agents and support personnel had given approval to rest and recoup in the safe house _(“After this indescribable fuckup of a mission” - Commander Rumlow)_ but the Asset had not moved other than to put his back to a wall. He can maintain stress positions for days without breaking, and standing at attention is not uncomfortable. If he stays at attention no one can say that he was being disobedient or willful for not rising when approached by a superior. Because the Asset cannot see well enough to distinguish the handlers or Commander Rumlow from the nonessential support staff it is best to remain at attention at all times. That the Asset’s logic is sound does not comfort him, and does nothing to distract him from his current malfunction.

“Status report, soldier.”

The Asset had heard someone approach, and now that the man had spoken the Asset knew that the dark blurred area in front of him was Commander Rumlow. The Commander did not sound pleased. The Asset blinked, felt his eyelids drag over the bumps where the shrapnel had healed into his eyes.

“Visual ability remains impaired, sir. Physical capabilities and other senses are fully functional.”

“For all the fucking good that does. I don’t give a shit if you can smell. How long is it gonna take your eyes to heal?”

“Unknown, sir.” The Asset braced himself, expecting to be struck. He knew it was not a satisfactory answer, but he had no better answer to give - somehow he knew that the laboratory technicians had extensive charts detailing his healing times from various injuries, but the Asset was not privy to that knowledge.

“Oh for fuck’s sake. Jack! Get base on the radio and figure out what the fuck we’re supposed to do here. And you -” The Asset felt a finger poke his chest. He did not flinch. “I’m gonna have to teach you to be more careful.”

\---

The target had been on a city bus. The explosives on the undercarriage had failed to detonate remotely. When the explosives had failed -

(The Asset knew that a city bus was a large civilian transport vehicle, but it was not part of the Asset’s assignment to understand the necessity of inflicting so much collateral damage when the Asset could have just as easily sniped his target from one of the many large buildings in the area. It was not his place to understand.

The Asset had not been thawed to blow up a bus. He had been assigned to Commander Rumlow for the subsequent mission taking place the next day, but the Commander had not wanted him left alone in the field. The Asset had wished he could have helped Commander Rumlow understand that the Asset was good. The Asset would not have attempted escape or damaged HYDRA’s property if left unsupervised. He was good and smart, he had learned not to do those things any more. But the Asset would never have been presumptuous enough to speak out of turn or contradict his Commander.)

When the explosives had failed, Commander Rumlow had told the Asset to take the detonator closer to the bus to see if the proximity would cause the explosives to trigger. The bus moved slowly, and it was easy for the Asset to catch up with it even though he was on foot and moving at a regular steady pace so as not to attract attention. The Asset was not wearing the body armor or his protective face shield _(muzzle)_.

As it turned out, Commander Rumlow was right - the Commander had also already smashed the trigger about twenty times, so when the Asset got close enough that the signals went through he didn’t even have to trigger it himself. He didn’t even know that the bus was going to explode until it did.

He didn’t know to look away.

\---

The Asset’s hearing is very good, and his ear drums have completely healed from the concussive blast. Standing at attention, he can hear the birds on the roof of the safe house. He can hear someone opening and closing all of the kitchen cabinets for the fifth time in as many minutes. He can hear Commander Rumlow talking in the other room.

“Fuckin’ seriously?”

“Yeah, that’s what they said. During the tests he healed up in a couple of hours, so he’ll be good to shoot tomorrow.”

“If he can grow parts back like a lizard, why doesn’t he grow a new arm?”

A sigh, from the person Rumlow is speaking with. Then, “I already told you. We aren’t supposed to cut them out completely. Just take off the top layers so his body can get rid of the shrapnel.”

“Fuckin’ gross, Rollins”

“Give me a break, I’m not a fucking scientist.”

\---

The dark blur of Commander Rumlow grabs the Asset’s arm and presses something into his metal hand. The Asset is used to being handed weapons, looks down even though he cannot see well enough to know what it is. The grip is plastic, and when the Commander releases his arm the asset feels at it with his other hand. To the side of the plastic grip is a springy trigger that doesn’t seem to do anything. At the other end is a concave half-sphere. When the Asset traces the edge with his flesh hand it cuts his skin easily.

“Be careful with that, we already sharpened it for you.”

The Asset looks up, nods, awaiting orders.

“Don’t act like you didn’t hear us talking before. You know what to do.”

The Asset cannot refuse a direct order. He just can’t. But he has not yet been given an order. He desperately does not want to do the thing that Commander Rumlow wants him to do, even though the Asset knows he should not want anything. He trembles all over except for the metal arm, and the Asset knows he will be beaten badly for this misbehavior but that is okay if the Commander does not order him to -

“You need to cut off the front part of your eyes. Don't be an overachiever and take out all of them. You're allowed to sit down for this.” The Asset sits on the floor. Commander Rumlow has a talent for sounding both disgusted and excited at the same time.

Inside his head the Asset is screaming very loudly. Inside his head the asset is begging not to have to do that to himself. But he has his orders. He must obey.

\---

The Asset completes his task without hesitation. He has received an order from his commander and he obeys.

\---

There are no dark blurs anymore. There isn’t even red. There is only the bright black star of pain.

_(order through pain)_

The Asset goes away inside his head for a while. He isn’t supposed to do that. When he comes back to himself the Asset feels the sensation of tears on his cheeks. The Asset is not supposed to cry. He braces himself for punishment until he realizes that it is only the blood dripping down his face.

“Can’t we put some bandages on him or something? I don’t want to have to look at that.”

“Then you can go in the other room can’t you.”

The voices are close and the Asset must have been further gone than he thought because he does not remember having heard them approach. Someone removes the tool from his metal hand.

Good job soldier. Would you like a treat?”

The Asset does not answer because he is not allowed to _like_ , and a ‘treat’ could be almost anything, ranging from a blanket to water to physical discipline depending on context. The Asset feels something cold press against his mouth and he opens it automatically.

“We aren’t supposed to give you solid food, but ice cream isn’t really solid. I won’t tell if you won’t.”

The _‘ice cream’_ is not something that the Asset has a frame of reference for processing. It is sweet and it is cold and it tastes, very vaguely, metallic. The Asset hates cold, and some little piece of his mind starts screaming when it realizes why this 'ice cream' it tastes like iron, but the Asset does not want to think about that so he does not. He shuts that little fragment away and eats what is put in his mouth. The Asset is physically vulnerable and does not want to be punished for disobeying an indirect order.

The Asset does not disobey orders. He is being good. He is getting a treat.

“Jesus Christ.” This voice is different, in a different part of the room. “That’s fucking sick, man.”

“He won’t remember any of this anyway. Chill the fuck out Gillett.” Commander Rumlow just laughed and fed the Asset another bite of the ice cream. “Chill out. Get it?”

\---

The Asset cannot refuse a direct order. The Asset does not remember. Until he does.

\---

“Oh shit, Bucky. Why didn’t you say you radio for help if you were hurt?”

Because it was easier to keep quiet. Because it wasn’t important. Because his other eye remained functional. Because it was more important to clear civilians from the scene than to deal with his own injuries.

“That’s a dumb fuck question.”

“We’ve been over this Bucky. You don’t have to -”

“It’s mostly healed already! It doesn’t even hurt!” Bucky is yelling and he is lying. He doesn’t - he doesn’t want say anything about the bits of debris still stuck in the meat of his eye. He doesn't want to make this a big deal, doesn’t want to seem weaker that Steve already thinks that he is. Steve hadn't wanted Bucky on active duty yet, and it doesn’t look good to come back from his first assignment seriously injured.

“Do me a favor and shut up. Sit down.” Steve gently but uncompromisingly made him sit on one of the bar stools and Bucky had to take a deep breath as the plates in his arm shifted menacingly. “I’m going to get Pepper to call a doctor.”

Yelling hasn't helped, so Bucky switches tracks,

“Steve. I made it back here on my own didn’t I? Stop being dramatic. I can handle it myself.” Bucky isn’t even lying. They’re in the kitchen of Steve’s floor of the Avengers tower. He can handle it.

Steve is already leaving, unswayed by Bucky’s totally logical arguments. So Bucky waits until he hears the elevator doors close and the bell chime before he gets up and starts digging through Steve’s kitchen drawers.

Bucky’s been getting a lot better, since he was picked up by Steve and Sam and taken back to the Avengers. He talks to the counselors. He let Tony upgrade his arm. He stopped hoarding food and he got a haircut. He has done what he’s told, for the most part. Bucky is not the Asset anymore, but at the same time he knows that he will never not be the Asset.

He still has to check the apartment for bugs every day and he flinches when people touch him unexpectedly and he wakes up screaming most nights. Steve doesn’t get why it’s easier, sometimes, to just follow orders instead of having to make so many choices to get through each day. Or maybe Steve does get it and just doesn’t like it.

Bucky is still working on the concept of _like_.

This is a good opportunity, though. Bucky has been caught flat footed so often by situations that he doesn't know how to react to (appropriately). But Bucky knows what he is supposed to do when he finds the tool in one of the drawers. Why would Steve have this tool if not for a situation like this? Now Bucky can show his new team that he is a fully functional, that he knows what to do and that he can pull his own weight.

Steve has told Bucky that he doesn't always need to receive orders to do simple things, so Bucky only waits as long as it takes to make sure the scoop is sharpened

It’s good to take initiative.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I don't even know why this happened. 
> 
> Unbeta'd. Sorry the tenses are a mess. Please tell me if I missed tagging something important.
> 
> [tumblr ](http://www.bingitoff.Tumblr.com)  
>  


End file.
